I don't understand...

.. why you think you can walk by everyone in line for the bus and think we wouldn't notice you get on before the rest of us..

It's the holiday season and you sir are beneath contempt - with your brush cut, pretroleum-based outfit from TipTop and your $2 folding umbrella from the Dollar Store.

Who the hell do you think you are? The rest of us go out of the way to let older people take seats on the bus - to the point where we have to stand on trips to and from the office.

But you can't be bothered with any rules of common courtesy can you? I'd like to go over and slap that smug look off your white-trash face, but then again I'm sure that the entire bus would line up behind me.

Here's hoping the roof leaks in the single-wide trailer you live in idiot!

…why you insist on calling yourself a “Serial Entrepreneur”?

I ran into a gentleman today who commented that he had been involved in the formation of so many start-up companies that he considered himself a “serial entrepreneur”, as if that WAS A GOOD THING. 

Allow me to shower you with a dose of reality chump.  You’re not a serial entrepreneur, you HAVE ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER!  You may want to consder seeing a doctor about this problem stat - preferably someone in the mold of Fox TV's very own Gregory House.

Here’s an idea.  Let's do an ad-hoc poll of all the people who were left in the wake of your latest company melt-down and see what they have to say about your leadership skills, creativity and “vision”.  Even without any empircal data, I can provide you with the following immediate feedback. You're not an "idea guy", you're an idiot!

If there were any justice in this world, the next thing we’d all get to hear you say is “Would you like fries with that?”, you pompous ass.

... why road rage isn't legal.

Bad drivers need to be taught a lesson.

Going slower than the posted speed limit with a line-up of traffic behind you all the way to the next county should be an indication to speed up or get the hell off the road! 

And I know, I know - I feel guilty for a split second when I pass them and it's a little old lady, but then I realize - old people shouldn't be driving!  If you're retired and in no hurry to get somewhere, take the BUS. 

Those of us that still work for a living ARE in a hurry you idiot!

... why you want me to tip you.

The ubiquitous tip jar appears in the most bizarre places.

I feel like one day I'm going to have surgery and there will be a tip jar on the gurney.

I'm sorry you chose to work in the service industry but doesn't Starbucks provide benefits that are better than most other retail estasblishments?

Given this fact, why the hell should I give you a 50 cent tip on a $12 coffee? 

Here's an idea, why don't you steal the coffee and set up a bootleg coffee-house out of your dorm and try to support your pot habit that way?

... why you think everyone on the bus wants to hear your conversation.

I don't care if your rash has cleared up, your mother is driving you nuts, your parents are visiting; your boss is an ass, or your boyfriend is cheating on you.

Here's a hint - I get on at the same bus stop as you EVERY DAY and I'm going to see you again.

My dislike for you has now grown to the point that I'm going to point at you in the street when I'm with colleagues and tell them you have a venereal disease - because you said so while talking loudly on the bus.

So, please SHUT UP!  If I wanted to experience a soap-opera, I’d watch one on TV.

…why you think it’s cool to have an “alternative” job title.

We’ve all experienced jokes involving self-inflated job titles.  I mean who wants to be a “Gas Station Attendant” when they can be called a “Petroleum Transfer Engineer” or a “Dishwasher” when they can be called the “Head of Utensil Organization, Maintenance and Distribution”?!?

For the most part, people use these titles as a joke – an attempt at self-deprecation over the fact that their job pays the bills instead of affecting the New World Order.

Over the past month or so, I’ve run into people in the corporate world who not only feel that they’re changing the world but have also seen fit to brand themselves with “alternative” job titles

·         “Office Manager” became “Office Ninja”.

·         “Graphic Designer” became “Pixel Pusher” – perhaps an homage to a new drug the kids are all trying these days?

·         “Director of Business Development” became “Expander of Horizons” – a title which smacks of commitment issues;  and

·         President became “Head of Discipline” – a title which seems to invoke the need to reduce employees to grade-school students.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say, I’m embarrassed FOR YOU when you have to hand out your business cards at meetings and other functions.  And don’t try to downplay your title as something that was forced on you because we all know that you PUSHED FOR IT – thinking that it makes you stand-apart from the crowd.

All I can say is good luck in your next job search.  I’m sure there’s quite a market for “Pixel Pushers” out there isn’t there smart guy?

…why you pretend to count calories at the donut shop.

For the LOVE OF PETE, MUST we all have to WAIT IN LINE ANY LONGER, while you take up valuable time at the cash register agonizing over the purchase of (1) or (2) of those 480-calorie cream-filled donuts?!? 

A few observations from my vantage point:

·         You have been salivating over the purchase and consumption of these little trans-fat-free mounds of dough since you rolled your wide-load out of bed this morning.

·         You are sporting a 44-inch waist – at best – on those wrinkled Dockers you obviously picked up off the floor of your dingy bachelor apartment this morning.

·         You don’t appear to be in training for the upcoming Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver.

·         The 2,000 calorie-a-day recommendation from Health Canada doesn’t apply to people – like you – who consider donuts an acceptable staple in their daily food intake.

So, please do us all a favour and stop pretending to care about nutrition.  We both know it’s only a matter of time until you become a burden on the health-care system. 

Given that, I would recommend that you go for broke and follow those two donuts up with a cream-cheese bagel chaser. Fat ass!

…why you insist on “following-up” the email you JUST SENT TO ME with a phone call to “confirm receipt”.

I understand that this whole “Internet Thing” is still some crazy abstract concept in your post-baby-boomer world.  But unless you are part of some covert Internet Testing Initiative (which given the paucity of your computer skills is highly doubtful), firing off an email and then quickly following it up with a phone call to “confirm receipt” makes you look like more of an incompetent jack-ass than usual.

·         Do you drop a letter in the mailbox and then continually phone the person until you know they received it?

·         Do you send a fax and then call the person to make sure they received it?

Actually, don’t answer those questions – because I’m afraid of what the answer will be.

I’ll leave you with this one rule of thumb regarding email.  99.99% of the people who say they didn’t receive your email ARE LYING.  Of course they received it.  They simply DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH IT OR YOU.  Given this fact, passively-aggressively calling with a follow-up is rather pointless now isn’t it?!?

 Oh and by the way, be sure to sign-up for next week’s lesson I developed just for you.  It’s entitled Why Do People Hate It When I Type My Emails in ALL CAPS?.

...why you try to use debit or credit in the CASH ONLY line at Ikea.

Did you not see the 15 signs leading up to the cash register that said in large, black letters: CASH ONLY?  Do you feel that stupid rules like this don’t apply to you in your special little world?  Or perhaps you need to further brush up on your reading comprehension with the Hooked on Phonics study set you received for Christmas?

And then, instead of acknowledging your mistake and shuffling to the back of the line like the non-repentant child you clearly are, you exacerbate the situation by pleading with the cashier that to make an exception "just this one time" – making us ALL wait even longer to pay for our purchases.

Thankfully,the cashier flatly refused and forced you to the back of the EVEN LONGER debit/credit line. 

Happy Shopping Jack-ass!

… why you insist on boasting about how much money you make.

We all know that your continued employment here represents a case study of the Peter Principle that most MBA programs would salivate over.  But do you need to compound my view of your incompetence by constantly reminding us of the “lavish lifestyle” your wife insists that you provide for her.

I don’t care that you own a ski chalet AND a summer home in addition to your primary residence.  NOR do I care that you replace your car every 2 years and have a “little roadster” for fun "with the old ball-and-chain" on the weekends.

You see, people that actually HAVE money and aren’t riding the credit train - like you obviously are - don’t insist on self-promoting their lap of luxury 24 x 7 to anyone that pretends to listen.

You sir are a COMPLETE PHONY.  The only solace I receive from having to endure your continued presence in my workplace, is the knowledge that your ongoing attempts to impress people with your financial standing is a never-ending pit of desperation and lack of self-esteem that you will never, ever climb out of. 

Bravo!