I don't understand...

…why you call your obsessions, “hobbies”.

Let me see here. You drive all over Canada and the Northeast United States – every weekend and during your vacation – to take pictures of trains. These pictures are then used in some sort of bizarre slide-show that you impress upon anyone that comes within 50m of your home.

I may be going out on a limb, but do you think this little obsession of yours might be the reason you’re constantly lamenting the fact that you’re single?!?

…why you force your children to follow your poor eating habits.

I’m not a parent and I don’t even play one on TV.  However, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that you’re forcing your children to over-eat.  It’s apparent that your steady diet of Little Debbie Snack Cakes has resulted in your less than svelte figure. 

With that being said, is there any reason why you need to instill your lack of willpower and poor eating habits on your children, you FAT COW?  They ate 90% of their adult-sized meals and they’re no longer hungry.  Cut them some slack and let them STOP EATING when they say they want to. 

I mean really, we all know that you’ll need no excuse to gobble down their leftovers just so “nothing is wasted”, don’t we? 

…why you would even consider holding a corporate meeting in a MOVIE THEATER.

For the love of Pete, please tell me you’re joking.  We all used to laugh in anticipation of seeing the commercial at the movie theater that promoted the theater as an appropriate venue for a corporate rah-rah session. 

• The stupid buffoon standing at the front of the auditorium
• The child-like PowerPoint slides ("profits are GOING up!")
• The robots in the audience standing and cheering

And then the unthinkable happened.  You drank the Kool Aid and actually thought that having our next corporate retreat at a local movie theater was A GOOD IDEA.  I can assure you, it’s not.  I’ve already penciled in for a sick-day at the upcoming “Office Day at the Movies”, you dunderhead.

…why you come from the “if I talk about losing weight long enough, if just might spontaneously happen” school of thought.

Please correct me if I’m wrong, but last I heard, TALKING about losing weight, wasn’t actually an effective weight-loss technique.  With this in mind, is there a reason, why you insist on informing us about your pending weight loss on a daily basis – typically while shoveling a handful of fries into your mouth at lunch?

Here’s an idea.  It’s called EXERCISE.  Look it up on the Internet.  It usually involves some form of movement of your entire body and if you do it long enough – may cause you to SWEAT and LOSE WEIGHT, you buffoon!

…why you “work from home” and actually think people believe you are actually DOING any work.

First, you work for the federal government – a place where have the employees aren’t doing any work when they’re IN THE OFFICE.  With this in mind, who do you think you’re fooling when you announce your plans to “work from home” every other Friday?

I’ll tell you what that’s called – a THREE-DAY WEEKEND, you moron.  Stop insulting everyone - including yourself - by pretending it is anything but.