I don't understand...

…why you “work from home” and actually think people believe you are actually DOING any work.

First, you work for the federal government – a place where have the employees aren’t doing any work when they’re IN THE OFFICE.  With this in mind, who do you think you’re fooling when you announce your plans to “work from home” every other Friday?

I’ll tell you what that’s called – a THREE-DAY WEEKEND, you moron.  Stop insulting everyone - including yourself - by pretending it is anything but.

…why you twitter.

There are a variety of legitimate reasons and uses for the Twitter service and I can assure you that your on-going drivel doesn’t fall under any of those categories.  No one needs to know about your personal hygiene habits, food intake, sleep cycles and wardrobe conundrums, especially in real-time.

In the spirit of twitter, here’s my message to you (limited to 140 characters or less of course)

SHUT UP, YOU BORING BAG OF WIND.

…why you refer to yourself as a “foodie” while eating in a fast food restaurant.

Surely your jest sir! You’re eating a burger and fries at Wendy’s and have the audacity to tell your friend that you consider yourself a “foodie”? On what planet, might this be possible? Do tell. Do tell.

Perhaps you’re an aficionado of French Fry grease? Because the way you’re scarfing down those fries and the size of the “overhang” above your belt leads me to believe that might be the case.

Listen closely Julia Child. Sitting on your couch and watching the Food Channel all day doesn’t make you a foodie – nor does it give you the right to treat combo #6 from Wendy’s as though it is some sort of gastronomic treat for your senses, you pompous ass.

...why you think anyone wants to hear you sing-along with the song you’re listening to on your iPOD.

Listen sweetie, I can rock-out with the best of them, but I typically do it in the privacy of MY OWN HOME.  I think I can speak for all of us, when I say that your off-key, karaoke-inspired rendition of that Alicia Keys song is a Canadian-Idol masterwork FROM HELL.  

Please, save the sing-along for the mornings when we both know you stand in front of the mirror belting out hit after hit while using your hair-brush as a wireless microphone.  Wait, is that a dog I hear howling in the background?  Oh, not it’s you trying to reach the “upper register” you nit-wit!

...why you think turning your home into an igloo is being eco-friendly.

Did I miss something?  Are you a vampire, zombie or some other creature of the living dead?  I can think of no other reasonable explanation for the fact that you’ve invited us all over for dinner and thought it was ok to keep your thermostat at a whopping 12-degrees Celsius.

Do you want us to all huddle together and heat your house through our own body heat?  Could you not at least have told me to “bring a sweater”?

If you’re a bit short on cash this month, I have a suggestion for you.  Put a stop to your constant influx of DVD and CD purchases and RAISE THE THERMOSTAT a few degrees, you idiot!

...why you think it is ok to complain about the weather.

Excuse me, but isn't it obvious that we LIVE IN CANADA?!? 

It's bad enough that most of the Western world thinks we drive ski-doos over the arctic tundra to work on an annual basis, but you have to exacerbate the situation by complaining to anyone who will listen about how cold it is?

At the risk of sounding repetitious, we live in Canada, it gets cold here in the winter, get over it and SHUT THE HELL UP!

I will be sure to add a follow-up post in the summer, when you'll surely be complaining about the heat and humidity.

...why you think you’re “above” seeing certain movies.

I will admit that “My Bloody Valentine in 3D” is an acquired taste, but you need to get off your high-horse and stop acting like certain cinematic fare is beneath you.   It may work with some people, but you may be forgetting that we both know you have one of largest collection of porn DVDs on the planet, you sanctimonious prat!  And we both know you’re constant indulgence in these “works of art” is not due to their storyline, special effects and exotic locales.

...why I have to pretend to be interested in what you’re saying.

Sweet Jesus!  Could you be any more boring?  I can’t believe I just spent 45 minutes OF MY LUNCH-HOUR listening to you drone on and on about the history of locomotives in Ontario.  This is supposed to be a LUNCH AND LEARN, not a LUNCH AND BORE!  And if you make one more comments about “doing the locomotion”, I think I just may have to stick this fork in my eye.

We’re all only attending this little cultural tête-à-tête because Human Resources provides free food as an enticement.  But all the free pizza in the world won’t make you or this topic interesting, you bag of wind.

…think it is ok to ignore signage.

Ok, I understand completely.  The “Push Only” sign on that door doesn’t apply to you, so if you pull hard-enough, it just might be possible to overcome the laws of physics as they apply to hinges and door frames.  And if that doesn’t work, it appears that kicking the door and cursing is also an acceptable substitute.

I have an idea.  Take those ear buds off for 10 seconds - acknowledge the world around you - and READ A FREAKIN’ SIGN dumb-ass.

…think it is ok to be in your 30s and saunter down the street with your “Guitar Hero” guitar sticking out of your backpack.

Listen pal, we’ve all seen the YouTube videos of Guitar Hero aficionados shredding away to one rock song or another, but they’re TEENAGERS.  You sir are IN YOUR 30s.  So please help me understand why you think it is ok to saunter down the street, dressed in your cheap business suit, with your Guitar Hero mini-guitar sticking out of your backpack? Exactly, who do you think you are, some sort of modern day Pied Piper of Hamelin?!?

Listen you Eddie Van Halen wanna-be, we all know you’ve been a pathetic technical support specialist for Bell Canada for the past 10 years and spend your lunch hour everyday “rocking out” with your loser co-workers.  Do us all a favour and keep this little fantasy world of yours a secret. 

Maybe you can even find a mini case for your little toy guitar online – probably at the same place you recently purchased that used DVD of Rock Star starring Mark Wahlberg that you cue up every morning before trudging off to the land of cubicles and telephone headsets, you loser.