I don't understand...

…why you call your obsessions, “hobbies”.

Let me see here. You drive all over Canada and the Northeast United States – every weekend and during your vacation – to take pictures of trains. These pictures are then used in some sort of bizarre slide-show that you impress upon anyone that comes within 50m of your home.

I may be going out on a limb, but do you think this little obsession of yours might be the reason you’re constantly lamenting the fact that you’re single?!?

…why you would even consider holding a corporate meeting in a MOVIE THEATER.

For the love of Pete, please tell me you’re joking.  We all used to laugh in anticipation of seeing the commercial at the movie theater that promoted the theater as an appropriate venue for a corporate rah-rah session. 

• The stupid buffoon standing at the front of the auditorium
• The child-like PowerPoint slides ("profits are GOING up!")
• The robots in the audience standing and cheering

And then the unthinkable happened.  You drank the Kool Aid and actually thought that having our next corporate retreat at a local movie theater was A GOOD IDEA.  I can assure you, it’s not.  I’ve already penciled in for a sick-day at the upcoming “Office Day at the Movies”, you dunderhead.

…why you tell everyone you have a Prince Albert.

Listen, if you want to pierce your genitalia, go for it.  But that does not mean that we all need to hear you constantly telling anyone within earshot about it.  And I think I can speak for everyone when I say, we certainly don’t want to see it. 

You’re 43, paunchy, have skin the colour of skim milk and appear to have hair in all the wrong places.  Need I continue?

…why you think it’s ok to leave your Christmas lights on your house ALL YEAR ROUND.

To: My Annoying Neighbor

From: I Don’t Understand

Re: Year-round Christmas decorations

It’s been (3) years and I think I can speak for the entire neighborhood when I say that the fraying string of Christmas lights that have become a permanent fixture across the front of your house rates a perfect 10 out of 10 on the eye-sore scale.

Since I don’t believe they have invented lights that remove themselves, please do us all a favor and put down your beer, turn off the television and pry yourself off the couch long enough to waddle outside, rummage around that war-zone you call a garage and extract an implement called a ladder.

Under the cover of darkness, you can then use this implement to remove the offending set of lights.  Once this is done, we’ll forget this little incident ever happened, won’t we?

Until then, everyone on the street will continue to secretly refer to you as “The Family that Christmas Forgot.”

...why you think being a manager at Wendy’s entitles you to treat your co-workers like crap.

Were you dropped on your head as a child?  I can think of no other reason behind your deplorable behaviour to your co-workers.  It’s clear that you made a choice to advance up the corporate ladder at this fast-food establishment, but I’m willing to bet a majority of your co-workers don’t share your “passion”.  Ergo, stop rolling your eyes, shaking your head and using sarcasm as a motivational tool to get them to work faster.  Otherwise, they may form a lynch-mob and take you out behind the dumpster and tar and feather you with special sauce and chicken-strips – a mutinous act that would be well-deserved.

…why you think swearing in public is cool.

Listen pal, we all get it.  You’re late for work and you’re angry.  With that being said, at which point in your little temper tantrum, did you think it was ok to regale us with a profanity-laced tirade about the transit strike.  Do you think the other men, woman AND children affected in the same way you are really care to hear you showcase your ignorance about the strike, the union and City council.  Here’s a small bit of advice for you:

• Read a paper.  A mind is a terrible thing to waste.  You represent Exhibit A proof of that statement.
• Run your potty-mouth in the privacy of your own home – probably at the same time you kick your cat every morning.
• Re-consider your personal hygiene process – because your combination cigarette/coffee odeur is so 2008.

And finally, SHUT UP, you moron!

…why phone books are still printed.

Are you kidding me?  Why are trees being wasted in order for phone books to be printed? Who in their right mind grabs the White pages when they want to look up a phone number?!?  Has Bell Canada ever heard of the Internet?!?  They should, since they’ve been gouging people for their Sympatico DSL Service for the past 10 years!

…why you plan a small-business Christmas party and then decide to cancel it ON THE DAY OF THE PARTY.

Let me get this straight:

• You plan a holiday party aimed at uniting disparate groups of people that may otherwise miss the standard corporate shin-digs that much larger businesses offer
• You charge everyone $$ in advance, so you can book the restaurant and then proceed to extol the virtues of the meeting place as “somewhere we everyone can relax and have fun”.
• You send out multiple reminder notices, each one providing a map and parking options for attendees.

We all drink the party Kool-Aid and then on the day of the party you DECIDE TO CANCEL IT – citing the weather, transit strike and the lack of parking as excuses?!? 

First, you don’t even LIVE DOWN-TOWN, so where do you get off making statements about parking or lack-thereof;

Second, I sincerely doubt you’ve ever graced any type of mass transit in Ottawa with your presence, so please don’t pretend that it impacts you;

Third, you don’t even have the common decency to cancel the party yourself, you have your assistant do it; and

Fourth, you actually ask if people want their money refunded or if you should keep it and plan something else in January?!?

SHAME ON YOU!

Are we really to believe that something else won’t “come up”, like the impending doom of global warming, the on-going diseconomies of scale and/or the plight of the peasants in Andalusia that will cause your next fete to be forced to mis-fire?!?

Of course I’d like my $30 back – with interest please!

Happy Holidays Scrouge!  I hope you get something black, round and cold in your stocking this year.

... why you need to adjust your pocketbook at the ATM.

I get it, the world revolves around you and you're more important than the rest of us.  We're definitely not as busy as you and we've got nothing to do with our pathetic lives, so standing behind you in a lineup waiting for the ATM is okay as you rifle through your purse to look for your card.  Then you take the time to read each screen carefully (as if you've never seen this technology before) and stop and think about what each button represents. "Deposit ? ... Withdrawal ? ... " ... hmmm .. what to do, what to do?!??  I have a cheque ... and I need to put it in the bank machine ... Now if I deposit it does that mean I won't at some future date be able to withdraw it because it will be labelled by the little elf inside the machine and will only be used for deposits in the future?"

Just to indicate your ineptitude, the ATM beside you has had three clients go through before you even finished keying in your PIN you frickin' MORON.

But WAIT, there's more - not only did it take you 20 minutes to do something that would take a 5 year old 30 seconds to complete, you then proceed to organize your receipts and monies in front of the ATM.  Here's an idea ... MOVE YOUR FAT ASS OUT OF THE WAY.  Do you think we're standing in line behind you 'cuz we're checking you out?  We're NOT, we were hoping to get to the bank within the hour we have for lunch.  If we had known it was gonna be this long we probably would've gone inside the bank.

Here's an idea - get internet banking.  At least this way, when you're speaking to the machine and waiting for it to speak back to you, one of your kids will be able to call the frickin' doctor and have you put away for being such a selfish idiot.

If you don't know how, or have trouble using ATMs, go into the bank - don't waste other peoples' time dammit.

…think it is ok to post job opportunities for your organization that include the words “ninja”, “rock star” and “jedi” in the job titles.

To: Over-the-Hill Human Resource Executive

From: IDU Headquarters

Re: Job Titles

We understand you want to hire the best and brightest for your company, but advertising for “Development Ninjas”, “Design Rock Stars” and “Jedi Coders” isn’t going to do it for you. 

What it does do is say that you’re so out-of-touch with the market you are hiring for that you think using this “hip” lingo will appeal to qualified candidates.

Do us all a favour and stop patting yourself on the back for your so-called web 2.0 creativity.  It’s not creative, it’s sad, kind of like the comb-over you employ as a baldness prevention technique and your brown, sale-rack suit you wear 3 times a week to the office, YOU MORON.