I don't understand...

… why the GAP wonders why they’re losing customers and money.

I’ve been to three GAP clothing stores in the area recently and was perplexed by the overall disarray of each of them.  There was nary a folding board in site and staff seemed more interested in socializing and primping in any available mirror than in customer service.   Entering the coveted sale rack area was akin to trying to navigate through a post-apocalyptic war zone – with shirts, pants and accessories strewn about the tables, racks and even the floor.   Hmm, I wonder if the dusty foot print on that wrinkle-proof shirt will afford me an even larger discount?!?

But I digress…

In each case, I ran a little test - managing to inconvenience a “staff member” by asking them for a specific size on an item.  In ALL cases, they told me that what was “out on the floor” was really all they had available – not even offering to look in any inventory in the back and/or call another store to help me find the size I was looking for.

While waiting in line to check-out, I watched in amazement as the manager chatted up a friend, while the size of the line increased – never once opening up another cash register.  When I finally paid, the cashier handed me a receipt, reminding me that if I filled out an online survey about my “shopping experience”, I would be rewarded with a 20% off coupon for one item. 

I smiled, looked back at the long line behind me and said I would gladly fill out the survey.  On my way out, I interrupted the manager and asked her for her name  She looked surprised when I wrote it down on my receipt.

In this global recession, I have a small bit of advice for the GAP.  Spend a little less on your glitzy in-store advertising and spend a bit more time that each and every customer is important to the bottom line.  Oh, and for the middle-aged Gap Manager that gave me her name.  Don’t worry; I managed to mention it no less than 10 times in my survey feedback.

Here’s hoping you got a little call from corporate, you moron.

... why you think your better than me in your disgusting taupe suit.

The summer's over you idiot. Besides, everyone knows it's a pair of cotton chinos from Sears with a blazer from Goodwill that your friends insisted you buy because no one could "tell the difference".

Well bad news - we can. If you're too cheap to buy a proper suit go back to the temp agency and ask for more money.

... how you could think anything black would make you look slim.

I know what you're thinking.  You wear black because people cannot see all the shadows created by your excessive lumps and bumps in the backdrop of black material - giving you the appearance of being slimmer than you are. 

Well, let me jolt you back into reality honey.  That theory only works from the front or back, because as soon as you turn to the side, it's IMPOSSIBLE to mask that fact that your body consists of a series of rolls of fat that harkens back to your halcyon days of soap-opera watching, bon-bon eating and couch-potatoing.

If you have enough rolls that you are a prime candidate for carbon dating, I have some advice for you - STAY HOME!

... why you got your nose pierced.

Were you recently adopted by a Sri Lankan family or did you think the ring protruding from your nose would draw attention away from a) your girth b) your poncho; c) your knock-off, over-sized D&G sunglasses; or d) all of the above?

What's that?  D?  No, sorry, it was a trick question. The answer was actually e) none of the above. You lose - like the rest of your life.

... why you think it is remotely ok to wear manpris.

Fashion is a rough and tumble world isn’t it?  I mean our female friends have a multitude of couture options compared to us don’t they?

Well, talk to the hand Nancy, because unless you work in a rice paddy or cranberry bog, are secretly tennis player Rafael Nadal or are currently playing the role of Gulliver in your local community theater’s “updated” rendition of Gulliver’s Travels, there is absolutely NO justification for injecting “manpris” into your daily wardrobe regime.

Manpris reside in the same fashion disaster category as “mandels” and “murses” – which I’m sure you’ll be inflicting on the masses on your next warm-weather vacation, you ass.

... why you think a pony tail is acceptable for someone at your age (that age being over twelve).

The only pony tails I will tolerate are from people I actually believe to have been at Woodstock (and BELIEVE me unless you live in Haight & Ashbury the chances of that are slimmer than the MacBook Air).

Did you look in the mirror on your 30th birthday and think "OMG - my hairline is receding - there's only one thing to do - compensate for this tragic loss by growing a pony tail.  It's young, it's hip - I mean Fabio's got long hair so why shouldn't I?  The chicks dig Fabio so it only stands to reason they'll dig this!"

Don't you realize EVERYONE is thinking what I'm typing?  Do yourself a favour: cut that ridiculous thing off, dip it in varnish and mount it on a board like a prized trophy.

At least then when you tell people what it is, they'll be laughing at you rather than behind your back.  Then and ONLY then will you be able to fully understand how truly TRAGIC that greasy, stringy thing is.

... why people think that wearing vanity t-shirts is funny and makes them "hip".

Ok, I get it.  The first "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt was probably a scream - BACK IN THE 1970s.  Since then, you can't walk down a public street without being bombarded with one or more vanity t-shirts with one "pithy" statement after another. 

Here's a small sample of what I've had to endure this week.

"I give my family two options for dinner - TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT!"
(Judging from the size of you AND your family, I suspect that the LEAVE IT option is routinely picked and you all head out the door to McDonalds, fat ass)

"World's #1 Dad"
(Hmm. Kid #4 doesn't LOOK like you OR your wife at all... Get a PATERNITY TEST STAT, Daddy!)

"Does this shirt make me look bald?"
(No, but it does make you look like an idiot.)

"I'm Sofa King Awesome"
(Where to begin with this one?)

Do us ALL a favour people, wear this crap in the privacy of your own home.  You can still stop in front of the many mirrors you undoubtedly have placed around your home and congratulate yourself on how clever you are - while at the same time thinking reassuring thoughts that these poly-blend monstrosities DO have a rightful place in your wardrobe!

... why you need to stand so close to me at the bus stop.

Let me guess, you just got a brand new Jean Naté gift set for your birthday and you decided to experiment with "layering your scent". Good news - you now know how; bad news - people are falling to the ground thinking the city is under chemical attack.

... why you think you're a rockstar.

I mean I get that you want to be a rockstar rather than going to college or working at your parents' laundr-o-mat.  However - until that time - please stop wearing the following:  white, pointy-toed, brogues; your green tighties; that over-sized scarf; and those RIDICULOUS mittens with the skull and cross-bones on them.

I can only surmise you took your student loan (or your allowance which you saved up for months along with some iCoke points) and bought those hand-warmers in June off www.emolosers.com (Don't bother clicking - it doesn't exist - and I now claim the rights to that domain name!) and couldn't wait to wear them. So today when you turned on the Weather Channel and discovered it was going to be sunny and a WHOLE 5 degrees colder than average for this time of year, you clicked your heels together and thought to yourself "YIPPEE!! I can wear my fabulous new fall outfit and I'm SURE my parents and school chums won't think I like the cock when I show up."  And that may have been true were it not for your homage to the Jonas Brothers that you wrote on your blog.

Well princess, I have some news for you:  (1) you are not a rock star; (2) you're not misunderstood; (3) you're not an emo; (4) you have no style other than what you see on Facebook; and (5) you're definitely a pillow-biter.

...why overweight women think ANYONE wants to see their "muffin-top" which they insist on displaying between their ill-fitting jeans and their way too revealing shirt.

Its not sexy, its flab and something that belongs in a corset not on display for the world to endure.

And no, covering said area in piercings and tattoos doesn't cut it either honey.

Don't bother justifing your fashion faux pas by saying you're "big-boned" - we all know the only person who uses that term and actually believes it is your grandmother and that's only because she hasn't had her glaucoma surgery yet.

Fat ass!