I don't understand...

… why you try and up-sell me additional food items at my favourite Mexican restaurant.

Listen honey, I know you’ve just breezed into town from “Corporate Head Office”, but there is really no need to try and impose your “high-pressure sales techniques” on all of us regulars at this restaurant.

Let’s see.  I ordered a chicken burrito and a diet coke and you asked me when I got up to the register, “Did I hear you correctly when you said you wanted some chips and guacamole with this burrito?”   And further to my amazement, you still engaged in this pathetic attempt at sales subterfuge even after I HEARD YOU SAY THE SAME THING TO THE PERSON IN FRONT OF ME IN LINE?!?

Needless to day, I am hoping my silence spoke volumes to you.  But if it didn’t, let me offer you a cold dose of reality. 

Everyone in this place comes here on a regular basis.  We know the people who work here and they know us.  Given this fact, I feel that I can speak for customers and employees alike when I tell you that EVERYONE is embarrassed FOR you.  So, please fill out whatever evaluation reports you need to scribble on with your corporate crayons AND LEAVE. 

And while you’re at it, take that bad dye job and off-the-rack “woman’s wear” debacle you picked up off the floor this morning with you.

... why you insist on asking for a wine list at a pizza restaurant.

Ok, I get it.  You finally landed a date from your e-harmony, lava-life or chemistry.com subscription and decided to "keep things on the down-low" by going to MY favorite pizza place with your future divorcee.  "It's going well", you're thinking. "Now let me impress her with my grasp of culture and knowledge of etiquette."

Here's a tip Einstein.  You're not scoring points by asking to "peruse the wine list" after ordering a large combination pizza and cheesie sticks.  And yes, that blank stare from 18-year old college student who was thrust into being a waiter because he needs the extra cash for his pot-habit is indeed genuine.

Guess what Chianti Queen, they DON'T have a wine list!  They do have some "house red" and "house white" though - which we both know is akin to cooking wine.  Enjoy those two glasses you ordered as well as the head-ache you'll invariably wake up with after a night of REALLY BAD SEX.

I see an online profile update in your future Romeo.

... why morbidly obese people insist on complementing their Quarter Pounder with Cheese order at McDonalds with a super-sized Diet Coke.

Do they think the zero-calorie beverage will magically cancel out the 2000 calorie, 100 grams of fat compressed into the patty, special sauce and flour-laden bun?

Here's an idea fatty.  Try complementing your size 55 waist with SOME EXERCISE that doesn't involve walking your fat ass back and forth to the refrigerator.  If it can work for Oprah (at least until she self-expands for the 20th time) it can work for you.

... why you think it's ok to chew gum while you're serving customers.

Is nothing sacred in this world?  I just had my favorite restaurant tainted forever.  I arrived for lunch and was greeted by a new and perky fresh face overly excited to take my order.  As I glanced up from the menu, I was startled to see that she was chewing and snapping her gum while talking to me.  DISGUSTING!

Call me a germ-a-phobe, but could anything be more unhygienic than seeing someone’s mouth constantly open and close because of their constant need to chew.  And then they’re trying to have a conversation with you to boot.  And THEY’RE IN THE FOOD INDUSTRY?!?

Christ, even Chuck Barris from The Gong Show fame used to ceremoniously remove the gum from his mouth and store it behind his ear at the start of each show.  Maybe you should do the same, you disgusting pile of flesh.

If I wanted to watch someone chew their cud, I’d buy a cow.

... why fat people snarf down corn chips at the bus stop and then get upset with ME for making grunting sounds like barnyard animals.

Please - like it’s MY fault you choose to ride the frito-train and do absolutely nothing about your slovenly appearance.

... why fancy restaurants utilize the "hostess by commitee rule".

Why is it when you walk into a fancy restaurant that I need to be immediately greeted by a gaggle of hostesses - each wearing "couture" that would make you think they just shopped at a Project Runway cast-offs sale?

This "hostess by committee" setup is the epitome of poor service in action - and was probably concocted by some "business process" moron who has never actually owned a restaurant and thinks that fine food involves the early-bird special at Suisse Chalet.

Picture this.  The "Head Hostess" is constantly scanning the list or chart of tables - as though it was the Rosetta Stone - acting like she's performing an exotic set of combinatorial calculations to figure out where patrons should be seated.  Let me give you a tip Brainiac, people like to be seated at a table that is EMPTY and CLEAN.  PERIOD!

This situation is only exacerbated but the "Junior Hostesses" who (in addition to hoping one day for a promotion) are constantly clamoring about, straightening menus, providing "key advice" to the Head Hostess and pulling wait times out of their asses.

In my latest experience, I heard 3 different hostesses tell prospective patrons wait times that were over 15 minutes apart in duration.  Now there's GREAT public service!!

Listen Princesses.  The art of hostessing isn't rocket science and no one appreciates you more than you could possibly appreciate yourself.  So, step off the power train, stop acting like fashionistas and SEAT ME AT MY GOD DAMNED TABLE. No one cares what you look like, how fast you sort menus and how quickly you can erase the white board to indicate that a table is available. 

And don't even get me started on restaurants that ask if you have a reservation when the ENTIRE PLACE IS EMPTY!

... why people tip for bad service.

If I get bad service I tip accordingly. Friends say "Aw c'mon the kid is just trying to earn a living.". Well try harder dammit. If you wanna make a living in the service industry, you either need to be personable, efficient or old enough that your regulars don't mind you being useless.

Otherwise you should consider dishwashing or an enterprise that doesn't rely on your memory or writing stuff down - perhaps male prostitution might be something you're better suited for.

Apparently in that industry, they'll tip you to forget WHO they are and WHAT they ordered.

... why people insist on making my meetings start late because they need to "fill up their water bottles".

The human body is made up mostly of water.  Do you really think you'll dehydrate over the next 45 minutes to an hour while my meeting is taking place?  The compelling need to hydrate isn't going to do anything for the saddle bags you call thighs and your cottage cheese ass. Last time I checked a synonym for the word "water" wasn't "miracle".