I don't understand...

...why you think anyone wants to hear you sing-along with the song you’re listening to on your iPOD.

Listen sweetie, I can rock-out with the best of them, but I typically do it in the privacy of MY OWN HOME.  I think I can speak for all of us, when I say that your off-key, karaoke-inspired rendition of that Alicia Keys song is a Canadian-Idol masterwork FROM HELL.  

Please, save the sing-along for the mornings when we both know you stand in front of the mirror belting out hit after hit while using your hair-brush as a wireless microphone.  Wait, is that a dog I hear howling in the background?  Oh, not it’s you trying to reach the “upper register” you nit-wit!

...why you think turning your home into an igloo is being eco-friendly.

Did I miss something?  Are you a vampire, zombie or some other creature of the living dead?  I can think of no other reasonable explanation for the fact that you’ve invited us all over for dinner and thought it was ok to keep your thermostat at a whopping 12-degrees Celsius.

Do you want us to all huddle together and heat your house through our own body heat?  Could you not at least have told me to “bring a sweater”?

If you’re a bit short on cash this month, I have a suggestion for you.  Put a stop to your constant influx of DVD and CD purchases and RAISE THE THERMOSTAT a few degrees, you idiot!

...why you insist on "complementing" every conversation with sexual innuendo.

Despite my better judgement, it appears sir as though you’re a grown adult.  So, please explain to me why you see fit to work in some form of sexual innuendo into every conversation we ALL have to experience with you?!?

• Giggling at the word “hard drive”?  Check!
• Making suggestive hand gestures when using the phrase “tracks of land”?  Check!
• Becoming distracted when ANY female walks by and following that up with suggestive eye-brow movements?  Check!

It’s not funny, it’s sad – kind of like the poly-blend shirts with stains on them that you wear to work everyday.  Here’s a suggestion.  Save your bawdy talk for the umpteen ads you post on Craigslist in the “Casual Encounters” section.   You can review them when you’re home alone on yet another Saturday evening, wondering why no one has “hit you up” for a passionate rendezvous.

...why you think coughing into your hands will not spread germs.

You sir are disgusting.  Do you really think I want to touch any of the paperwork you’re handing me to renew my license after you spent the last 5 minutes hack-coughing into your hand?!?  Give the amount of ink on your arms and the dim look in your eyes, I have a suggestion for you.  Stop staying out all night at your little all-night-rave and get some sleep, drink plenty of fluids (non-alcoholic) and TAKE A SHOWER. 

If you still don’t feel well, STAY HOME and repeat the above steps, you dim-wit!

...why you think it is ok to come back from holidays looking like a lobster.

Ok, we get it.  You’re special enough to have escaped the “Canadian Winter” for warmer pastures.  In addition to the warmer temperatures, it appears as though you’ve managed to spend ample amount of time baking in the sun – TOO MUCH TIME, YOU MORON.   Do you not realize how ridiculous you look shivering at a table near the door of this restaurant while at the same time looking an non-paid extra for a skin cancer public service announcement.  It’s called sun-block, now use it or you’ll end up looking like the pleather on the cheap knock-off purse you’re carrying around with you.

...why you think it is ok to complain about the weather.

Excuse me, but isn't it obvious that we LIVE IN CANADA?!? 

It's bad enough that most of the Western world thinks we drive ski-doos over the arctic tundra to work on an annual basis, but you have to exacerbate the situation by complaining to anyone who will listen about how cold it is?

At the risk of sounding repetitious, we live in Canada, it gets cold here in the winter, get over it and SHUT THE HELL UP!

I will be sure to add a follow-up post in the summer, when you'll surely be complaining about the heat and humidity.

…why you think it’s ok to leave your Christmas lights on your house ALL YEAR ROUND.

To: My Annoying Neighbor

From: I Don’t Understand

Re: Year-round Christmas decorations

It’s been (3) years and I think I can speak for the entire neighborhood when I say that the fraying string of Christmas lights that have become a permanent fixture across the front of your house rates a perfect 10 out of 10 on the eye-sore scale.

Since I don’t believe they have invented lights that remove themselves, please do us all a favor and put down your beer, turn off the television and pry yourself off the couch long enough to waddle outside, rummage around that war-zone you call a garage and extract an implement called a ladder.

Under the cover of darkness, you can then use this implement to remove the offending set of lights.  Once this is done, we’ll forget this little incident ever happened, won’t we?

Until then, everyone on the street will continue to secretly refer to you as “The Family that Christmas Forgot.”

…why you think it is ok to neither read a newspaper nor watch the news and pontificate about the city’s bus strike.

Hearing you blather on and on with you un-informed, un-educated and downright incorrect take on the city’s bus strike makes me yearn for mandatory IQ tests. And throwing in the odd expletive into your diatribe is only exacerbating the problem. Now please SHUT UP and do us ALL a favour you moron.

...why you think you’re “above” seeing certain movies.

I will admit that “My Bloody Valentine in 3D” is an acquired taste, but you need to get off your high-horse and stop acting like certain cinematic fare is beneath you.   It may work with some people, but you may be forgetting that we both know you have one of largest collection of porn DVDs on the planet, you sanctimonious prat!  And we both know you’re constant indulgence in these “works of art” is not due to their storyline, special effects and exotic locales.

...why I have to pretend to be interested in what you’re saying.

Sweet Jesus!  Could you be any more boring?  I can’t believe I just spent 45 minutes OF MY LUNCH-HOUR listening to you drone on and on about the history of locomotives in Ontario.  This is supposed to be a LUNCH AND LEARN, not a LUNCH AND BORE!  And if you make one more comments about “doing the locomotion”, I think I just may have to stick this fork in my eye.

We’re all only attending this little cultural tête-à-tête because Human Resources provides free food as an enticement.  But all the free pizza in the world won’t make you or this topic interesting, you bag of wind.