I don't understand...

…why you force your children to follow your poor eating habits.

I’m not a parent and I don’t even play one on TV.  However, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that you’re forcing your children to over-eat.  It’s apparent that your steady diet of Little Debbie Snack Cakes has resulted in your less than svelte figure. 

With that being said, is there any reason why you need to instill your lack of willpower and poor eating habits on your children, you FAT COW?  They ate 90% of their adult-sized meals and they’re no longer hungry.  Cut them some slack and let them STOP EATING when they say they want to. 

I mean really, we all know that you’ll need no excuse to gobble down their leftovers just so “nothing is wasted”, don’t we? 

…why you come from the “if I talk about losing weight long enough, if just might spontaneously happen” school of thought.

Please correct me if I’m wrong, but last I heard, TALKING about losing weight, wasn’t actually an effective weight-loss technique.  With this in mind, is there a reason, why you insist on informing us about your pending weight loss on a daily basis – typically while shoveling a handful of fries into your mouth at lunch?

Here’s an idea.  It’s called EXERCISE.  Look it up on the Internet.  It usually involves some form of movement of your entire body and if you do it long enough – may cause you to SWEAT and LOSE WEIGHT, you buffoon!

...why you think it is ok to come back from holidays looking like a lobster.

Ok, we get it.  You’re special enough to have escaped the “Canadian Winter” for warmer pastures.  In addition to the warmer temperatures, it appears as though you’ve managed to spend ample amount of time baking in the sun – TOO MUCH TIME, YOU MORON.   Do you not realize how ridiculous you look shivering at a table near the door of this restaurant while at the same time looking an non-paid extra for a skin cancer public service announcement.  It’s called sun-block, now use it or you’ll end up looking like the pleather on the cheap knock-off purse you’re carrying around with you.

…think it is ok to answer anything other than “good” when someone asks you the question “How Are You?”

Listen Einstein, when someone passes you in the hallway and politely says “Hello, how are you?”, the appropriate (and only) response is “Good”.  It’s not a time to break into a long-winded soliloquy about your health problems, money issues and relationship foibles. 

I speak for all of your co-workers when I say that NO ONE CARES one iota about the on-going melodrama you call your life.  And yes, this is the reason why no one makes eye contact with you in the hallway, you ignorant buffoon.

…why you think it’s ok to place your order while continuing to talk on your cell phone.

At the best of times, having a lengthy discussion in public on your cell phone pushes the bounds of propriety.   Having said conversation while waiting in line at Starbucks and then continuing it WHILE PLACING YOUR ORDER is beneath contempt.

In addition to regaling us with the tales of your “wild evening”, you also think it’s appropriate to snarl at the Barista when they ask you to clarify what you mumbled to them between the randy details of who you anonymously had sex with last night?

I think I can speak for the entire store when I tell you the following:

1. We know the “person” on the other end of your salacious phone call is your voice-mail;
2. You work at a nail salon – which in your mind translates into a job in “fashion”; and
3. If there is truly a god in this world, the barista will secretly swap the soy milk you requested with whole milk – triggering an unexpected - but wholly deserved - lactose-intolerant incident you ignorant buffoon.

.. why you think you can walk by everyone in line for the bus and think we wouldn't notice you get on before the rest of us..

It's the holiday season and you sir are beneath contempt - with your brush cut, pretroleum-based outfit from TipTop and your $2 folding umbrella from the Dollar Store.

Who the hell do you think you are? The rest of us go out of the way to let older people take seats on the bus - to the point where we have to stand on trips to and from the office.

But you can't be bothered with any rules of common courtesy can you? I'd like to go over and slap that smug look off your white-trash face, but then again I'm sure that the entire bus would line up behind me.

Here's hoping the roof leaks in the single-wide trailer you live in idiot!

... why you insist on wearing a Halloween costume that sucks.

Oh, I’m sure YOU thought it was funny to dress up in your over-sized orange shirt and white leggings and call it your costume for the day.  I can just picture you talking on the phone with your “favorite girlfriend” (read another single, over-weight and unhappy secretary – err - Executive Assistant in the Government) and boasting about your sheer genius and creativity.

Well, put a cork in it honey.  We all know you’ve worked in the same dead-end job in the City for the past 20 years and will spend a bulk of your day at your "mandatory" team-building costume party - instead of figuring out how to cut my property taxes, reduce the deficit and address our mass transportation issues. 

Since you're very employment surely amounts to the definition of tax-payer waste, could you at least make an attempt to doll yourself up in a semi-respectable Halloween costume that truly embraces your obvious mediocrity?

Here’s an idea.  Try putting a sheet over your head and saying you’re a ghost.  At the very least, it should open the eyes of all of your co-workers at the delightful opportunity of not having to experience your “creativity” next year.

... why you don't feel the need to engage your students.

Just because you have a PhD doesn't mean you can teach ... nor should it mean I have to spew back your thesis to you in order to obtain a successful grade in this course.

I can't believe you continue to insult our intelligence by constantly going off topic in your belief that you are edifying us as we sit here and have nothing but contempt for your patronization.

Similarly, just because you smile at us and speak with what you consider to be an engaging speaking style makes you no more interesting nor don you with the ability to impart any great wisdom upon me or my colleagues that we couldn't glean from reading a high school text book or watching Fox News.

How dare you continue to waste our time!

Retire already!

... why you and your transexual girlfriend need to block the escalator.

Why is it that everyone in this city is a mental midget when it comes to the simple idea of keeping to the right? The “rules of the road” apply to escalators and the number one rule is "keep right except to pass".

So to the frickin’ idiot in front of me and his tranny girlfriend blocking the escalator - GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY! 

I mean surely you see the lineup of people anxiously waiting to get past you. Do you think the people tapping you on the shoulder and asking you to move aside are doing it to upset you?  They're not. You and your she-male friend are annoying losers who probably have nothing better to do than troll around the mall looking for unsuspecting people to stand in front of and annoy with your disregard for common courtesy.

By the way, wearing olfactory clogging amounts of Aqua Velva cologne only compounds the problem. 

... why the less English you know the louder you feel the need to yell into your mobile phone.

I hate to break it to you, you inconsiderate boob,  but yelling isn’t a form of universal translation in ANY language.